You wanna know what hurts the most? Not knowing..

Not knowing if someone is okay
Not knowing if the one you love, loves you back
Not knowing what you got on a test
Not knowing where you stand in someones life
Not knowing what to do..

I used to have life figured out, every single aspect of it. I'm a planner, I love to plan things out and invite people everywhere and detail everything so the day/night all goes well. This is also a flaw of mine because when the plan doesn't go right; which it never does, I panic. I have a tendency to put EVERYONE first and i'll always be that way, that's something I won't ever change, but I need to learn how to add myself in there sometimes so I don't always end up hurt.

And honestly right now I'm hurting.
And I don't know what to do.

I have answers to everything, and when I don't have the answers I find them because I don't ever give up. Right now I may be having a weak moment, but I'll be strong and get through it. But with what's going on in my life right now, I don't just want to get through it, I want to overcome it.

Some people say once the spark goes out there's no getting it back.. I say once the spark goes out you light another match. Life works in mysterious ways and sometimes not knowing is painful, but it can also be thrilling. I just want to live in the now, I want to wake up one day and not plan a damn thing so I can actually enjoy a day without something going wrong. But even if something goes wrong I keep the smile on my face...

Some call that being fake, they say that if you just smile and brush things off that's fake, they say smiling even in front of people you may not like is fake; I say it's life. I'm going to enjoy myself and smile and be nice to others because I want to, not because I have to. This life is so limited and I say that all the time because it's true. Smiling even when you're having a bad day isn't fake, it's you knowing that no one can alter who you truly are..

Make sure you don't start seeing yourself through the eyes of those who don't value you. Know your worth even if they don't. No one can alter your views, opinions and life but yourself. You choose to be who you want to be. The only influence you should grasp is from within you.

I may be hurting, but I'll never stop smiling and neither should you.

If I could just pick up and move anywhere right now I would do it in a second and never look back. A change of scenery would be nice. A good breath of fresh air and a drink with an umbrella straw and I'm set.